If he was in your life, you wouldn't like him very much

Lately, I've been having a lot of conversations about existential crisis, state of ennui, and really, what the heck does it all mean?

More and more people around me seem to be grasping at their place in the world, and even if they have a career, the successful relationship, they are still trying to figure out where they belong, or what they are doing in this world.

A friend asked me today if I've ever seen the movie Fear and Loathing.

I confirmed I had, and we began a brief discussion about Hunter S. Thompson.

I quickly did a search for him, to see what I could find out about him, since I realized my knowledge of the man was lacking.

I posed the question to my friend: "can you imagine having this as part of your biography?"

"He was also known for his use of psychedelics, alcohol, firearms, and his iconoclastic contempt for authoritarianism."

The aforementioned was taken from Wikipedia re: Hunter S. Thompson.

Now, let's think about this.

Here we have a movie - Fear and Loathing - people love this movie -
People loved Hunter S. Thompson - they love reading about him, they love watching movies about him - but the reality is - if you had a friend like this in your life, you probably would be less than impressed with their actions.


...I kept this entry as a draft until today... the first draft was in May...
I'm finally coming back to it in the last week of July..

It feels fitting, as I was watching a bunch of P!nk videos today, and felt the same sort of feelings towards her... she's sexy, amazing - doesn't appear to give a shit what you think of her.

Sometimes I long for this state of mind. Other times, I feel its the exact opposite of what I'm striving for... in that... I do care what impact I make on the world. I want to create a better space for others. I want to tread lighter, do less harm, and not offend others. Sure, you can't please everyone... that's not my intention... but I do want to move more peacefully on this planet. Perhaps that might sound a little euphoric and Utopian... but I like to think of it as more centered and zen.

I try to think about my actions before I do something now. I try to be more thoughtful in my actions, and learn from my mistakes... I want deeper connections with the people that matter, and of course, I want to see the world with that one person by my side eventually, in wide-eyed wonder.

I really don't care about a shiny car, a big house, a white-picket fence, mortgages, how many sq ft' of land I can acquire, or how many labels hang in my wardrobe. What gets me dreaming, is... how many stamps I can cram into my passport, how many km will the wheels on my suitcase clock, and how many times will the shutter on my camera snap?

How many different languages will these two ears hear? How many different ways will I learn how to say "I love you" so I when I have that special person by my side... I can whisper it into her ear, in many different languages...

My Mom always asked me "What are you running from?" ... Well, for the first time, I can honestly say, I can answer her.

"I'm not running. I'm exploring a world of possibilities, and wonder".
After all.

All that wander are not lost.

Restless, Listless, full of ennui... and on turning 33

I was told recently that I should be happy that I was going through a state of existential crisis. After all, this person pointed out, this is a state of the privileged, as you really don't hear people in Rwanda having these moments do you?
No, no you don't. They are too busy worry about the oh too real shit. Survival.

This quickly put things in perspective for me, and I felt suddenly selfish and small, and like my worries were trivial once again.

This is also a glaring point one for my wanderlust yet again. It helps me keep myself in check most days.

I have found myself with an abundance of free time, which most would find refreshing, and generally I do find it so. However, this free time, is also a time of recovery for me health-wise, so its not a vacation. Far from.

I turn 33 tomorrow. Age is just a number they say. Well, to a point I suppose that is true. Yet, I do believe there should come some wisdom, and some lessons with that number. So with another year, I do have to admit, I do often reflect back on the previous year and think back to where I was my last birthday, and where I am today.

Things have definitely changed for me in that 365 days since I turned 32, this much is true. I have learned quite a bit, at least I can walk away with the knowledge that I didn't squander the last year in a haze or fog. I feel closer to my goals in life, and have worked harder on becoming the person I want to be, and where I want to go in life.

I'm no longer confused on who that person looks like either. Which if you know me at all, you know this has been a life-long struggle in defining who I am, and where I want to be. I suppose that's no different for any of us really, but I never really claimed to be that different than most.

My biggest accomplishment, as a woman, is... I can finally look into the mirror, and smile at the person staring back. I am at peace with her. She's ok. She's not perfect, but who the hell is? But you know what? I *like* her imperfections. They make her real. They make her a work in progress. They make her strive everyday to be a better person.

I read a quote from Ani Difranco recently that really struck a chord with me somewhere so deep, that it's almost my new mantra: "I don't need anyone to hold me, I can hold my own."

I love it.

So with that, I work through my existential crisis, and feelings of 'oh what does it all mean?" "Am I really good enough?" "Should I even try to write anymore" - and say - oh screw it, just keep on going.

As I get older, I surely don't have anymore answers, just more questions - but as I said before - I'm tired of running and worrying about pretty -
why worry about pretty when everyone else is worrying about it for me?

Picking the ball back up

After dropping the proverbial ball on my writing, and well, let's face it, most of my life as I knew it. I have come full circle, and am yet again back to writing about well, anything really. As most of you know, travel is my raison d'etre. So i will no doubt feed your eyes with tales of my past experiences or my new fun finds of future plans of the great wide world I plan to explore.

Also..I have just purchased a laptop - this will be acting as a recovery tool of sorts - as we believe I have Post-Concussion Syndrome - which symptoms include - Cognitive - short term memory (S.T.M.) problems, impaired concentration and attention span, periods of confusion and cognitive slowing (learning problems). --- Which translates into -- My reading, memory and spelling have been atrocious. So, with any luck - this will assist in the recovery of this.

So... back to travel....I need to set your mind at ease here dear reader, I'm not going to try and mimic Lonely Planet, I mean, those publications are there for a reason. They are successful in their own right, for good reason. So I won't pass on great fare deals, or wonderful little hot spots of *the* place to eat down some alleyway gem restaurant in Asia.
Ok, i might share just how amazing the food was, but more out of interest sake...

Something that really peaked my interest recently and I'm going to start doing some research on - is the top 5 Avant Garde travel tours. Stay tuned for that one kids.

Shifting gears a bit...

So, lately I haven't felt like I have much to write about... I haven't been inspired so to speak... What I have been spending more time doing, is playing with our new camera.

I have started a new project today on flickr that is called Project 365 - where you can take photos of anything... interesting and/or mundane. It's essentially a photo-journal of your year.... So in the spirit of the project, I have decided I will post some of the photos here.

May I add here, photography is a hobby - I in no way claim to be a pro.

Here are my first 4 days offerings:

F my life

If you haven't had the privilege of coming across this website yourself... i urge you to check it out!

http://www.fmylife.com/

It's brilliant! Why is it brilliant? Because it's the human condition to laugh at other people's misery. Admit it, we all do it.

See some poor sap slam into that bay window cuz they don't realize that its a window? Yeah, you laugh.

Accidentally watch Grandma's false teeth fall out when she's biting into a leg of chicken? Makes ya crack up every time.

We're sick sick bastards.

No not really... we laugh because we've all been there.

We laugh because it's finally someone else experiencing what we have potentially endured. We laugh, because, unless it's happening to us... it's funny. Really funny.

Ever meet those people that don't laugh in these scenarios? They aren't fun. End of story.

I speak in absolutes about these things, as people with little to no sense of humour need to lighten the hell up.

It's not that we are happy of other people's misfortune... we are laughing to ease the tension. We are laughing because we are not perfect, and it's the imperfections in each of us that make us human. It makes life more tolerable.

If you can't have a sense of humour about life... then really.. is it a life worth living??

I honestly don't believe it is.

In a time where the economy is in the toilet, some of us are working at jobs we are MORE than over qualified for, and maybe even unfortunately laid off or in between jobs... with stress at an all time high, we need to laugh.

Can't find anything uplifting or humourous?
Check out the catwalk from the latest fashion lines. That will be SURE to put a smile on your face. Trust me. I'm starting to believe designers are making bets on who can create the most ridiculous outfit that some half-wit will covet, and pay an absorbent amount of money for.

If fashion isn't your thing, watch a funny movie, or youtube any music video from the 1980's. There's nothing like watching David Bowie in Spandex jamming to themes from Labyrinth.

You get the idea... take time to smell the roses, and laugh at the poor shmuck who gets a bee sting on his nose while doing so....

Life is too short, and too precious to lead a serious life...

Besides... no one gets out alive.

updates.

Well, I finally made a synopsis for my book. Here goes:

Recounting her party days, a young woman reflects on her years in the underground sub-culture that not only she lived and breathed in, but watched some of her friends give their life to. Submerged in a scene where music ruled, DJ’s rose to God-like status, and dancing wasn’t just a hobby, it was as vital as air.

Oh dancing.... I miss it often. Sure, I dance now... I dance as much as I can. I dance in my bedroom while getting ready for work, I go out every so often and get my dance on... but nothing ever will be the same as dancing in those years. I understand you can never go back in time... I understand that things change... I'm grateful for that.... but that feeling of floating and flying from those years... nothing can touch it.

I'm busy lately editing my book... so I'm around... just working on the original writing project.

The blame game and finding your self worth.

Recently, I have been present to many different people in situations where they are blaming others. Usually this blame is placed in defense of a behaviour or action from the blamer.

Blame bothers me.

The reason it does, is it's usually someone trying to rationalize extreme behaviour - or at times, to keep themselves out of trouble.

Blaming reminds me of young siblings, busy blaming their brother or sister, as to appear like the 'good/golden' child, and cast the other in a less-than-perfect light.

Blaming reminds me of self-esteem or self-worth.

Something I have always wanted to research and write an essay about is self-esteem.

I personally believe that self-esteem can be linked for almost every evil of the world.

Perhaps this might sound like a gross exaggeration... but hear me out.

One of the examples I use for this argument is our ol' favourite... G.W. Bush.
Never have I seen a man in the public eye in the last few years so hated.
...and don't misunderstand me... he's definitely NOT on my top 10 favourite people list. At all.

I think the man is/was dangerous, dim-witted, and downright ignorant. ... but I digress.

I'm not focusing on his intellect, or lack thereof.

This was a man, who ran one of the most powerful countries in the world.. if not THE most powerful country in the world.

He waged wars, ruled with greed and dollar signs in his eyes, and generally wreaked havoc on the world. It was tragic.

A lot of people deem him evil, idiotic, simple, and the list of un-pleasantries goes on.

In my opinion, this all stems from low self esteem.

Let's break it down.

Greed - Why do people want what they want? To live in luxury? Sure. To have an easier life? Sure. I can bet though, that greed in part, is from self-worth. How do you measure up? Will your parents approve? Will more people like you if you have more?

In a study at the University of Waterloo by Danu Anthony, he links self-esteem with appearance.

"People's self-esteem is most strongly tied to traits such as physical appearance, social skills and popularity," says the Anthony.

Anthony goes on to say that, "People state emphatically that it is 'what's inside' that counts and encourage their children not to judge others based on appearances, yet they revere attractive people to an astonishing degree."

Are we to think that beautiful people have more self-esteem than regular folks?

I'm not sure about that, as having worked in the Fashion Industry, specifically with runway models, I witnessed more self-esteem issues than I knew what to do with.

Yet, we are prone to trust a beautiful person rather than a plain-Jane. Why else would advertisers use models and actors to sell their products? We trust them.

It seems like this concept isn't necessarily for self, but for them. We feel, that if someone is beautiful, than they MUST have a higher self-esteem.

But let's go back to lack of self-esteem being a factor in the evils and wrong-doings of life.

Esteem allows you to respect yourself, make good decisions, gives you the courage to try new things, and the power to believe in yourself.

What I find interesting is the fine line between low/high esteem.

Think about that person that appears to have really really high self-esteem. They are insufferable at times right? It's usually a veneer. They are the wizard behind the curtain, desperately trying to dazzle you with their 'wonderful being' while behind the curtain, they are hurting, and overwhelmed with low self-worth.

Perhaps at times, it's really tough to see this fact, but generally speaking these larger than life, cocky egoists, are lacking in the self-respect, and good decision making. Sound familiar?

Esteem paves the way to how we conduct ourselves in our daily lives.

In worst cases of low-self-worth, people become self-centered, without even meaning to. They are so obsessed with how they don't measure up, how they are yet again screwing things up in their life, that it becomes almost obsessive. They cocoon themselves, and retreat from participating in daily activities, and it can even snowball into severe depression.

The media preys on our low self-esteem - and even go as far as "greenwashing" to ease our guilt, and attempt to puff us up, and make us feel like we're at least doing some good in the world... even if we don't have whiter teeth, thinner body, or shinier hair.

They toy with our esteem and emotions, and create a push-pull situation, where some of us are so susceptible to their suggestion, that we are becoming puppets on strings.

This ties into my discontent with mega-stores, and advertising on a whole. We are manipulated and targeted on our weaknesses, and in result, we follow into the cycle of over consumption, greed, and blaming others.

We all sit and wonder, what can we do? How can we help?

The solution has been said to start with us, and from what I can tell... Boosting your self-worth to healthy is an excellent start.