Shifting gears a bit...

So, lately I haven't felt like I have much to write about... I haven't been inspired so to speak... What I have been spending more time doing, is playing with our new camera.

I have started a new project today on flickr that is called Project 365 - where you can take photos of anything... interesting and/or mundane. It's essentially a photo-journal of your year.... So in the spirit of the project, I have decided I will post some of the photos here.

May I add here, photography is a hobby - I in no way claim to be a pro.

Here are my first 4 days offerings:

F my life

If you haven't had the privilege of coming across this website yourself... i urge you to check it out!

http://www.fmylife.com/

It's brilliant! Why is it brilliant? Because it's the human condition to laugh at other people's misery. Admit it, we all do it.

See some poor sap slam into that bay window cuz they don't realize that its a window? Yeah, you laugh.

Accidentally watch Grandma's false teeth fall out when she's biting into a leg of chicken? Makes ya crack up every time.

We're sick sick bastards.

No not really... we laugh because we've all been there.

We laugh because it's finally someone else experiencing what we have potentially endured. We laugh, because, unless it's happening to us... it's funny. Really funny.

Ever meet those people that don't laugh in these scenarios? They aren't fun. End of story.

I speak in absolutes about these things, as people with little to no sense of humour need to lighten the hell up.

It's not that we are happy of other people's misfortune... we are laughing to ease the tension. We are laughing because we are not perfect, and it's the imperfections in each of us that make us human. It makes life more tolerable.

If you can't have a sense of humour about life... then really.. is it a life worth living??

I honestly don't believe it is.

In a time where the economy is in the toilet, some of us are working at jobs we are MORE than over qualified for, and maybe even unfortunately laid off or in between jobs... with stress at an all time high, we need to laugh.

Can't find anything uplifting or humourous?
Check out the catwalk from the latest fashion lines. That will be SURE to put a smile on your face. Trust me. I'm starting to believe designers are making bets on who can create the most ridiculous outfit that some half-wit will covet, and pay an absorbent amount of money for.

If fashion isn't your thing, watch a funny movie, or youtube any music video from the 1980's. There's nothing like watching David Bowie in Spandex jamming to themes from Labyrinth.

You get the idea... take time to smell the roses, and laugh at the poor shmuck who gets a bee sting on his nose while doing so....

Life is too short, and too precious to lead a serious life...

Besides... no one gets out alive.

updates.

Well, I finally made a synopsis for my book. Here goes:

Recounting her party days, a young woman reflects on her years in the underground sub-culture that not only she lived and breathed in, but watched some of her friends give their life to. Submerged in a scene where music ruled, DJ’s rose to God-like status, and dancing wasn’t just a hobby, it was as vital as air.

Oh dancing.... I miss it often. Sure, I dance now... I dance as much as I can. I dance in my bedroom while getting ready for work, I go out every so often and get my dance on... but nothing ever will be the same as dancing in those years. I understand you can never go back in time... I understand that things change... I'm grateful for that.... but that feeling of floating and flying from those years... nothing can touch it.

I'm busy lately editing my book... so I'm around... just working on the original writing project.

The blame game and finding your self worth.

Recently, I have been present to many different people in situations where they are blaming others. Usually this blame is placed in defense of a behaviour or action from the blamer.

Blame bothers me.

The reason it does, is it's usually someone trying to rationalize extreme behaviour - or at times, to keep themselves out of trouble.

Blaming reminds me of young siblings, busy blaming their brother or sister, as to appear like the 'good/golden' child, and cast the other in a less-than-perfect light.

Blaming reminds me of self-esteem or self-worth.

Something I have always wanted to research and write an essay about is self-esteem.

I personally believe that self-esteem can be linked for almost every evil of the world.

Perhaps this might sound like a gross exaggeration... but hear me out.

One of the examples I use for this argument is our ol' favourite... G.W. Bush.
Never have I seen a man in the public eye in the last few years so hated.
...and don't misunderstand me... he's definitely NOT on my top 10 favourite people list. At all.

I think the man is/was dangerous, dim-witted, and downright ignorant. ... but I digress.

I'm not focusing on his intellect, or lack thereof.

This was a man, who ran one of the most powerful countries in the world.. if not THE most powerful country in the world.

He waged wars, ruled with greed and dollar signs in his eyes, and generally wreaked havoc on the world. It was tragic.

A lot of people deem him evil, idiotic, simple, and the list of un-pleasantries goes on.

In my opinion, this all stems from low self esteem.

Let's break it down.

Greed - Why do people want what they want? To live in luxury? Sure. To have an easier life? Sure. I can bet though, that greed in part, is from self-worth. How do you measure up? Will your parents approve? Will more people like you if you have more?

In a study at the University of Waterloo by Danu Anthony, he links self-esteem with appearance.

"People's self-esteem is most strongly tied to traits such as physical appearance, social skills and popularity," says the Anthony.

Anthony goes on to say that, "People state emphatically that it is 'what's inside' that counts and encourage their children not to judge others based on appearances, yet they revere attractive people to an astonishing degree."

Are we to think that beautiful people have more self-esteem than regular folks?

I'm not sure about that, as having worked in the Fashion Industry, specifically with runway models, I witnessed more self-esteem issues than I knew what to do with.

Yet, we are prone to trust a beautiful person rather than a plain-Jane. Why else would advertisers use models and actors to sell their products? We trust them.

It seems like this concept isn't necessarily for self, but for them. We feel, that if someone is beautiful, than they MUST have a higher self-esteem.

But let's go back to lack of self-esteem being a factor in the evils and wrong-doings of life.

Esteem allows you to respect yourself, make good decisions, gives you the courage to try new things, and the power to believe in yourself.

What I find interesting is the fine line between low/high esteem.

Think about that person that appears to have really really high self-esteem. They are insufferable at times right? It's usually a veneer. They are the wizard behind the curtain, desperately trying to dazzle you with their 'wonderful being' while behind the curtain, they are hurting, and overwhelmed with low self-worth.

Perhaps at times, it's really tough to see this fact, but generally speaking these larger than life, cocky egoists, are lacking in the self-respect, and good decision making. Sound familiar?

Esteem paves the way to how we conduct ourselves in our daily lives.

In worst cases of low-self-worth, people become self-centered, without even meaning to. They are so obsessed with how they don't measure up, how they are yet again screwing things up in their life, that it becomes almost obsessive. They cocoon themselves, and retreat from participating in daily activities, and it can even snowball into severe depression.

The media preys on our low self-esteem - and even go as far as "greenwashing" to ease our guilt, and attempt to puff us up, and make us feel like we're at least doing some good in the world... even if we don't have whiter teeth, thinner body, or shinier hair.

They toy with our esteem and emotions, and create a push-pull situation, where some of us are so susceptible to their suggestion, that we are becoming puppets on strings.

This ties into my discontent with mega-stores, and advertising on a whole. We are manipulated and targeted on our weaknesses, and in result, we follow into the cycle of over consumption, greed, and blaming others.

We all sit and wonder, what can we do? How can we help?

The solution has been said to start with us, and from what I can tell... Boosting your self-worth to healthy is an excellent start.

Travel love & not fighting the Universe.

I found a new website, that I love, adore - and all the good stuff.

http://www.panoramas.dk/fullscreen5/f23_yokohama.html

I was having a moment of Japan-homesickness the other day, and looked up google images and found this gem.

That particular url is Yokohama at night. The city in which I resided in while living in Japan.

My heart ached looking at the site.

I then explored further.... the Grand Canyon, The Red Square, Times Square, Mt. Everest, Taj Mahal, and even Burning Man - are all highlighted in this panoramic site. Such good stuff, for an armchair traveler which at the moment I need to be.

You can fight with the Universe, but often times, you will find that you lose.... and you lose bigtime.

Currently - The Universe has sent MORE than a few signs that I need to write, and perhaps not let the travel bug rear it's head and run the show.

Yes, I'm sulking a bit, but at least I love to write... and will soon be taking classes to define my craft.

From the comfort of my couch, I can travel in my mind to The Red Square or Times Square (which I have at least seen at least 3 times during my time in NYC).

I also have a new fondness for the Golden Pagoda in Myanmar (Burma for those of you that haven't been following along in World Issues).

There are so many places to go and explore.. and so little time...

As the Discovery Channel's commercial states - The World is just awesome!

Jodhpurs, the L-word, and being up after my bedtime.

One of the biggest reasons I left the fashion industry was the plastic people.
Surrounding myself with them daily started to give me an existential crisis.

A tv-show tonight reconfirmed that belief... but not due to the plastic people...

Jodhpurs are in style still.

For those of you not familiar ----->

Sexy eh?

Seriously designers - what the hell are you trying to do to us???

Unless you ARE a runway model, and look good in pretty much everything including a burlap sac... WHO DOES THIS LOOK GOOD ON!?

Hey, even hot RCMP officers look dapper in the red serge... but the lower regions of this variation leave something to be desired.

News flash... The Emperor has no clothes. Thank god... cuz if he was wearing this get-up, we'd just secretly wish he was naked anyways.

God I wish the days of Breakfast at Tiffany's style was back in. How much do i wish i could pull off a simple little black dress with a big floppy hat and over-sized sunglasses paired with a nice set of pearls?

On a completely different note... The show the L-word does reconfirm my belief that lesbians as a whole are insane. Love them. But ladies... we're wack jobs... just admit it.

Admittedly - watching the show is my guilty pleasure... for the same reason that most of my dyke friends have confessed - watching dyke drama that you aren't directly related in - is somewhat comforting, and a relief.

Of course, being married now has allowed me to side-step the entire drama cycle, which I am over the moon about.

Kate Moennig aka Shane in the series does give me my tv-star lust points.

Albeit, I'm not generally one to swoon over actresses, and actors... as i find it a tad futile, and pointless - but damn that is a good looking woman. It's ridiculous really.

Suddenly I'm too tired to continue... or even watch this show, of overtly beautiful & glamours lesbians. Fake or not. Kate Moenning will just have to act away without this gal fawning over her for tonight.

...till later...

The facts of life?

Recently, I was challenged on my last post - There's more to life than this..

It was devil's advocate - as the person that challenged me is my best friend, and in fact is the gentleman I was referring to that has just bought his first home with his partner.

He wrote a quick email to share his thoughts - which I will quote here:

"Many of us engage in the material aspects of our society, for they become "means to an end". When we go to Petcetera, it allows us to enjoy and love our pet. When we shop at Walmart, it can allow for savings to take our children out to a festival. When we buy a new faucet at Home Depot, it allows us to grow our home, and to grow in the love of accomplishing something together. When you buy a home, it is a wonderful celebration of love, for now you have a place of permanent habitation, and place to land and relax. I know it all has aspects of shallow consumerism, but it can also allow for so much more".

Now - first let me say - don't rip on him for his comment if you don't agree - that's not my intention of quoting him. ... and this is a blog of my writing to invoke comments/constructive criticism, etc... not his.

I quoted him, so I didn't paraphrase wrong, and I wanted to share these thoughts... which admittedly - some of you may have.

So... having said that... what do I think about his comment?

Well... I'm having mixed opinions about it.

First and foremost, I do agree - yes, these mega-store-big-box places have been put into our society for this very concept. Easy, cheap, convenient, etc...

What gets up my nose are the following;

1) These massive big-box corporations are killing the independent store owner. They are squashing the little guy. Due to them ordering on a massive scale, they are able to buy the product at a lower cost, which in turn allows them to sell them to us at a lower price.

Now, I do remember that the aforementioned friend was years ago, looking for a house-plant for his new apt. He first went to the smaller local store... where he was met with dead plants, poor customer service (if any), and left feeling frustrated and upset with his experience there. It so happened that a Walmart was around the corner of the smaller store, and the plants there were thriving, well maintained, and there was a person on staff *just* for the plant dept, who was knowledgeable, friendly, and prompt. I suppose I don't have to tell you how that story ended. My friend bought a plant from Wallmart - that was lush, green, and he also came away with a solid understanding of how to care for the plant, that was imparted on him by the great clerk there.

I remember at the time, we both were saddened by this reality.
The little guy needs to step up their customer service, and offer a service that is personal, and really sets them above the competition.

2) Anytime I'm in one of these stores, I always have the overwhelming sense of the Wizard behind the curtain - like in the Wizard of Oz. In this version, the Wizard behind the curtain has piles of money overflowing and spilling out from his pockets. In these big-box stores, they generally pay min. wages to their workers, while corporations, and the heads of these companies are rolling in the big money.

I feel they prey on the lower to middle class - take their hard-earned money, while laughing all the way to the bank... on goods they paid a fraction of the cost for in the first place.

*and this one REALLY REALLY bugs me!*

... the thing that scares me was a comment my high school teacher made in a World issues class. He said - "Big corporations and the government are trying to abolish the middle class." At first I balked at this notion. "How is that even possible?!" I asked. I couldn't wrap my teenage head around it. I was still looking at the world through rose tinted glasses, and didn't want to believe something so malicious and sinister was afoot.

But, as life marched on, I suddenly looked around and have witnessed more and more corporations paying lower wages, asking longer hours, and the media constantly bombarding us with - BUY BUY BUY -
...and like lemmings, we are all jumping off that cliff - so we can have whiter teeth, designer clothes, and look years younger with some goop we pile onto our face at night.

I'm not saying we shouldn't purchase things... not at all...

What I'm challenging everyone (and this includes me - as I'm far from perfect, and sadly have a bad addiction with whitening strips) is to *THINK* before you purchase. Be conscious of your spending, and your eating.

We live in a society of big-box stores, fast-food restaurants - all to make our hectic lives 'easier'.

But what if we slow things down a bit, and take our time?

Take pleasure in the small joys in the world... what if we realize that having these new gadgets might not be 'just cuz we deserve a break today' ... but maybe it's trying to fill a void in us somewhere? What if we discovered that, and then stopped the over-consumption?

We are constantly bombarded with slogans that fuel that consumption fire - "You deserve a break today", "Because you are worth it" "Have it your way" "Breakfast of Champions"

It plays on the fact that we are overworked, and feel we DO deserve something for our efforts.

This always catapults me into the thought of - I deserve a break today?? Um... I live in a country where I'm free, can voice my opinion, can drive up to a window for my calorie ladden dinner - and somewhere sometimes not too far away... someone is hungry, someone doesn't have water in thier town... and *I* deserve a break today??!! Harumph!

Of course, we don't like to think about that do we?
Corporations don't want us to think about these things... (at least not until Christmas, and then we are overrun with Save the World/Hunger Site commercials - because it's the season of giving, and can't you give 35 cents a day to save a life?)

Again, I'm not standing here on my soapbox telling anyone what to do... I'm far from perfect, and have a loooooooooooong way to go... but maybe if enough of us question are "facts of life" in the western world... maybe we can change things... Maybe we can get to a place where over consumption isn't the norm, and to be expected...

Maybe we can get to a place of empathy, and start thinking beyond our big house, and car... and remember that we are far far more interconnected with each other than we think...

Book Intro

"Mommy, when i grow up I want to be a ballerina. When I grow up I want to be a nurse. When I grow up I want to be a fireman, a doctor, a policeman, an actress, a dentist, a teacher...."

When I grow up I want to be a Klub Kid and a drug addict.

Many kids dreamed differently than I did.... or should I say - I dreamed differently than most kids.
When I grew up I wanted to be a Klub Kid. I only asked for the former, little did I know at the time that they sometimes comes as a package.

The amazing part is - I was one of the very lucky ones. I danced on the edge of a very fine line and somehow managed to walk away virtually unscathed.

That isn't to say I didn't have my fair share of bouts of insanity. But as the old cliche goes; It truly was 'the best of times and the worst of times.'

........

My recollections are not really anything I'm superbly excited or happy about, nor are they anything that I'm ashamed or disappointed about. They are just a collection of thoughts and memories from my history. I can't say if I'd do anything specifically different if given the chance to go back. I almost find questions like that tedious and meaningless. You can never go back, so why bother pondering about what has been or what was.
Lessons were learned, friends were made, and some of the most important people in my life were met during those times. So to think about changing anything.... the thought of possibly losing someone from the equation in result of this... Well, that's just unthinkable.

There's more to life than this...

Most of the time, I fill my life with interesting things to do -- be it interesting reading, hobbies, people, places, activities... etc.

Lately however, my life has come to a bit of a standstill.

People consider this part of 'growing up, or settling down'
While I have no objections of acting your actual age, I do not believe this means you have to just slip into a routine of work, home, sleep...

It's a catch 22 really... if you posses a deep desire to explore, you are often faced with people making comments on how you are running away, or need to settle down.
Comments like these make my skin crawl. Truly.

I don't think there is a formula for what being an adult entails.

I recently had a conversation with a co-worker, where we were discussing the type of life we want to lead. He was chatting about house prices, his car, etc.
We were standing outside of our work... and there, we are surrounded by all the 'conveniences of the burbs'; giant big box stores - Petcetera, Home Depot, Winners, Giant grocery stores, etc. You get the picture.
I waved my hand Vanna White style at this display of mega-stores, and said... "It's things like this that drive me crazy. It's fatuous , and there is something definitely wrong with it." (ok, i used another f word... but i'm keeping things clean here).

He laughed and said he loved it, that he loved the potential of buying a house, getting a better car, being within driving distance of all these 'mega-store-conveniences'. He went on to say that these things are his comfort and sense of security.

I winced.

I shook my head, and pointed to my heart and my mind... and said... "these are my security... this is my home".

As the old saying goes (and is even the title of a book) - Where ever you go - there you are.

I find it interesting that people identify so whole-heartedly with outside possessions... houses, cars, video games, - and even go as far as having them as security. It sometimes feels like (and i'm sure i'm going to catch hell for this thought) - but it almost feels like the need for a security blanket when we are younger morphs into bigger things as we grow older.

I understand that in the heirarchy of needs (according to Maslow) that we do require shelter... and I do understand the joy of inhabiting your own space...

Recently one of my best friends took ownership of his first house with his partner. He was estatic... I would never try to take away that feeling from anyone. Truly I wouldn't. I was honestly happy for him...

I just don't 100% understand it... and by it, i mean... the desire to own a home.

Perhaps this will only come with having and purchasing my own home... but I have to admit... owning a home isn't even close to the top of my life's 'to do' list.

What baffles me, are the looks of horror or bewilderment that are directed my way when I confess these feelings.

Is it so bad that I don't want to own a home, buy a car for the sake of 'feeling secure'?
Why do I need to if I already feel secure on my own, without these things?

I understand the viewpoint of renting vs. owning. It's an investment, it's not paying some stranger, and actually putting money towards something that will one day be yours. I get that.

Of course, that is going along with the same vein of being in one town for the rest of your life... which is another thought that bores me tremendously.

Whenever I find myself in a routine, I hear the faint lyrics of Bjork - There's more to life than this... Admittedly Bjork was referring to a party... but the jist is still there.

The lifestyle I want to lead doesn't have to be a constant 3-ring circus, night at the Oscars, over the top parade of excitement... But the thought of having a mini-van going from Home Depot, to Petcetera, to Walmart makes me die a little inside.

We are a nation of consumers. We are leaning towards becoming a fast-food, logo-wearing, plastic paying, silicone enhanced robots.

Have passport will travel.
Have pillow will sleep.
Have heart and mind - will be secure.

It's really that simple for me.

Wanderlust

It's no secret that I love to travel.

Any travel will do.

Be it, across the country, a small local road-trip, or even overseas.
It really doesn't matter, I love it all.

I love to explore, see & experience new things, and view something different outside of my everyday routine.

When I was younger, it was viewed (especially by my mother), that I was running.
She would always ask me, with that concerned parent look in her eyes "What are you running from sweetie?"

Most of the time, I would shrug, and secretly wonder - Is this not normal??

As I grew older, I realized, that yes, sometimes I was running. Most of the time, however, I was just curious, and wanted to explore.

These days, I no longer see it as running at all. I'm past the point of constantly needing to define myself and "who I am".
Things like 'who am i' don't intrigue me as much as: "Who are they? How do they live? What is their daily life like? and... Why?"

Living and growing up in Canada, I feel lucky. It's a first world country, I never knew real poverty, hunger, war, etc. Those things were always "over there, or somewhere else".

I am truly grateful for the safety I had growing up, and try not to ever take it for granted. Its true. ...As I say this, however, I do have a disappointment about Canada...(albeit minor - and I'm not being ungrateful)... This disappointment came over me while living in Japan.

While living overseas, I was overwhelmed with the history. Canada being such a young country, we don't have the opportunity to see something that is over 500 years or that has been practiced for centuries.

I would get lost in the sheer fact that a temple that was in front of me, was there perhaps anywhere from 200-300 years ago, and sometimes much longer.

I guess it always baffles me when I am met with someone who has no desire to see the world, or travel outside of their little bubbles. Recently I met someone, who -to my surprise (and admitted -horror) said to me - "I have no interest or desire to learn about other cultures or races".

I stood there, mouth agape, eyes wide, mind completely reeling. *blink*blink*

I'm sorry... Pardon?

Needless to say the conversation didn't go really well between us, and to be honest, I think my shock and horror actually embarrassed her. (Which frankly, I'm a bit pleased with myself about!)

I really don't understand these people. But, I did remind myself, that I do try to respect other people's point of view, and try not to be judgmental. After all, no one died and left my opinion as gospel. Although I still don't get it.

Have you ever....?

...had one of those dreams, that you actually felt you were learning an important life lesson in it?

I just did, woke me completely out of a dead sleep too. Hence, posting at 3:40am, when I could be in bed snuggling with my fabulous wife.

I suppose, I should thank Karen Salmansohn for these important life lessons. I just read her book - Enough Dammit - A cynic's guide to finally getting what you want out of life.

Having already read her How to be Happy Dammit book, I knew her wisdom was something I could relate to, and was going to be thought provoking. Truth be told, I consider her How to be Happy Dammit book my bible. Seriously.

So what important life lesson did I learn this time around??

Well, I hate to admit it.... and I really really do hate to admit this..

I lack discipline. Yeah, I know surprise surprise, the chubby girl lacks discipline. But hear me out..

What I do possess is strength, courage, and determination. Sometimes I think I would fool myself into thinking these have discipline qualities. Sure, they might... and even sometimes do...

But discipline on its own, in its pure, raw form?

Not so much.

So like most things in life, that tend to broad-side you in the oddest of times, I spring awake on a random Saturday morning at 3:30am, with the knowledge, that something has to give.

Especially for the life that I intend to lead.

In my early 20's - the lifestyle I wanted to lead was fame.
No, not the Hollywood kind...that sort of fame gives me the heebie jeebies.

The respected, oh, i dunno... more behind the scenes fame that say, artists; like painters, writers, or film makers have. Well, maybe not film makers...too close to the Academy Awards and all those heebie jeebie people of Hollywood. Excluding Tom Hanks... I honestly believe he's a good egg.

But I digress... the type of life I now want to lead, has little to do with notoriety, and more to do with being happy, fulfilled, and balanced. Sounds simple right?

HA!

As I get older, I truly believe in the immortal words of Depeche Mode - Get the balance right - Balance IS key.

Sure, this isn't a new concept, and I'm not really discussing anything ground breaking, or cutting-edge.

However there is a VAST difference between talking the talk, and actually WALKING the walk.

We may *know* what we have to do, but actually doing it, is an entirely different beast.

I always hated the belief (especially referring to addictions), that knowing and admitting something are half the battle. PFFT!

Knowing and Admitting are the just the mere beginning, which legitimately might be overwhelming for someone trying to kick drugs, sex, or alcohol... but let's be honest.

I have known for years, a) what a balanced diet looks like, b) the outcome of abusing your body (be it intoxicants, bad food, smoking, etc) , c) the benefits of daily exercise and d) the benefits of ample rest.

Does this mean I have done any or all of these things for most of my life?

Heck no. Because, as ambitious or determined as I have been in my life, I lacked true, raw discipline.

Like most things in my life, I meet them with a kamikaze, extreme attitude. I eat super healthy for say... a week, two weeks, an entire month, and then BANGO - I have a bad day, pms, a celebration, and there I am indulging in whatever the pleasure of the month I have at the time. (Although the safe bet is ice cream)

Of course, this lack of discipline also has another big implication in my life. Like attracts like... So how many people in my life do I have that ALSO lack discipline? Now this isn't to put ANY of my wonderful friends or family down... Not in the least... but I would bet that the people who DO have discipline in my life would probably just 'magically' be more present if I decided to suck it up, and kick my butt into shape (in all senses of that word).

I definitely do know some amazing people, who have broken away from life, and blazed a path of discipline, dedication, and determination - and of course, are making a WONDERFUL life for themselves. (One of the best examples being my best friend and now architect).

I also don't think its mere coincidence that there are more and more people coming into my life in my friend group that seem to be going through a transformation themselves. Be it, setting the goal to lose weight, getting in shape, or honing their craft in their chosen career path.

So... my message to those folks that have, like me, started to shake up their world, and apply discipline in their lives... KEEP GOING!

We're on the right path, and it's no wonder we are suddenly in the forefront of each other's lives... We're here to support each other, and to be each other's cheering section.

We can do this... ....

Its just going to take some discipline.

A whole lotta nothing.

The challenge I have always been faced with, when considering the route of being a bonafide writer, is the challenge that I am currently faced with this evening.

Uncertainty about what to write...

My mind fires synapses at the speed of light - what should I write about? I'm not feeling really inspired... I didn't even do anything interesting today.
It's not like I've lead a boring life... Oh my god, what if I'm becoming boring??!!

Maybe I'll write about dancing, and the absolute bliss and zen feeling that overwhelms me whilst grooving...Wait... didn't i just write a first draft about that topic, and the underground sub-culture surrounding that? Hmmmmm...

Maybe I'll write about Art - after all, I have studied (for fun) all about the lives of Monet, Dali, Ultra Violet, Warhol, Hockney... and the list goes on.

This usually catapults me into self-depreciation about never going into University to study this topic properly, and even further not having an education, to back up my observations, and thoughts.

Travel writing has been overdone, and really, I don't have much to add that hasn't already been covered in Lonely Planet guides, or on the Outdoor Life network. Plus, it just gets that nasty travel bug all stirred up, and he's hard enough to deal with on the best of days.

Meditation is a niche market, and since I haven't meditated today, that will probably just instill guilt... and as we covered in the last post... what we think we become.. and i'll be dammed if I'm manifesting into the personification of guilt. Lust maybe, Guilt no.

Fashion creates lines in my forehead from frowning so much, so I try to steer clear of it, despite my background, I could really gives a rats ass about what is currently trendy, or cutting edge. Although, admittedly, I do still have the guilty pleasure of being really impressed when presented with a person that just drips a fashion sense.

I really don't want to cover the tremendous task of quitting smoking. BECAUSE I JUST DON'T WANT TO OK???!!! *twitch*

I've started walking 30 minutes in the mornings, as I'm going to *attempt* to take up jogging in the near future... but that will just launch me into what a lazy git I have become since the accident.

So, here I sit... almost 1am in the morning, writing a post really about not much at all, yet somehow realizing, that like Seinfeld, I just made something out of nothing.

Meditation, Energy, and getting what you want.

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become."
- Maharishi Mahesh Yogi

Pretty powerful statement when you think about it.
I mean.. really think about it.

You know that little voice that doubts yourself.... second guessing, third guessing? Yeah, it turns out, it's actually keeping you back from getting what you want.

So much for self-doubt, and the occasional self depreciation.

But is it possible to remain positive 24/7, and if not, what are the real consequences?

Well, if what we think, we become, surely we should stay out of rush hour traffic for one thing, or we'll become a whole bunch of undesirable names, titles and people.

Does this fact stress anyone else out besides me????

I mean, seriously I try to be a positive person most of the time. I really do.
But there are things I find I often doubt, or worry about.... ergo it becomes a vicious cycle of worrying, and then worrying about worrying. Gah!

So what are we supposed to do?

Apparently, meditation on a regular basis is supposed to calm your mind, help the dust settle if you will, and help create a more balanced self.

If you are like me, trying to find an actual hour in my day to just sit and breathe, feels like a daunting task. I have often referred to myself as a kamikaze meditator.

But the more I remind myself about this quote, the more I realize it's as vital as food and sleep.

I know I have mentioned my aversion to Western Culture, and this is exactly part of the reason why.

In the west, we are so connected to the capitalistic framework, we react instead of preact. We treat our mind, body and spirit as 3 separate entities.

In the east, its a known fact that they feel that mind, body and spirit are all interconnected, thus need to be in harmony in order to be an overall healthy individual.

A friend last night made the comment about improper eating habits, and suggested that one would not offer up junk food to a god or goddess, or as an offering at a temple, yet we are constantly cramming our own temples with over-processed, highly fatty, sugary crap food.

She made an excellent point. Duly noted.

I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions, they bother me, and I feel you just set yourself up for failure, and disappointment.

What I am a fan of, is self-improvement, self-reflection, and striving daily to be a healthier, more balanced person.

So my small goals are to MAKE time for that one-hour sit, eat healthier, and really try to live my life remembering that mind, body and spirit are truly one... and to forget about one aspect, really does effect your life overall.

Writing vs. Wanting.

... I promised myself this wouldn't be a personal blog about my day to day life, etc.

However, I do believe it's impossible to write without revealing yourself even if for a moment. Be it fiction, a poem, a novel.. whatever. The writing will somehow have your personality infused in the piece.

So, I'm trying not to feel TOO guilty about expressing what I'm feeling right now.

What I'm feeling is the big ol' travel bug rearing his head up from the pit of my belly, where he usually resides.

I've been back home from Japan for almost a year, and I am fearful that I'm forgetting the little things that make travel so wonderful, and yet challenging.

My passport is sitting in my dresser, whispering that it needs exercise, muttering that it longs to be filled with stamps... Like a junkie itching for another fix, I swear it flutters when I open the drawer, just begging me to notice it.

I tend to be superstitious about travel, and feel the universe will let it fall into place if it's meant to happen... It's always worked like that before in my life...

However, as I try to wait patiently for the right time, I ache for culture shock, and overcrowded airports.

This bug in my belly... he has set up camp there, and has no intentions of leaving anytime soon.

To misquote Mr. T.S. Eliot....

"..In the room busy people come and go, Talking of Michelangelo.."

T.S. Eliot has always been one of my favourite poets. From an early age, his poetry spoke to me, unlike any other words on paper. In fact, he was the first person, who taught me that words on paper can invoke not only a feeling, but an experience. As a person who always gravitated towards visual art, things like writing and poetry never really struck me as "Art".

However, as I age, and as I get more involved with writing, I am completely overjoyed to find an 'art' that I finally have a feel and passion for. Plus it's easier to silence my internal critic when I write, rather than painting. My internal painting critic tends to be a nasty troll. ha ha.

So, back to the quote...

It came to me today, as I was having a conversation with a close friend.
The conversation was about friendships, and communication.

The reason this conversation inspired me, was, it wasn't the first time the friendship topic came up this week.

Earlier this week, I admitted to a friend, that I have realized that our conversations have been a tad one sided, and I was the one usually venting or sharing... The amazing thing about this friend, is that she called me on it. She agreed, and didn't let me get away with it! Sure, it's tough to hear, but in the end, it helps me become more cognisant of my shortcomings, and the things I need to work on in the quest to become a better friend.

The other conversation was a bit different, in that, it didn't directly involve me, but the theme of being a more thoughtful friend was again coming to the surface.

Which brings me to a reminder for myself...

Friendships are not fixed things that just have formed, and that's it. They are not pieces of art, that have been created, and once they have, no longer need attention or care.

It is so so easy to take for granted our friendships, when we get caught up in our own busy busy worlds.

Friendships are like relationships - they require care, communication, and empathy.

Sometimes, the hardest hurdles to overcome in a friendship, actually strengthen and form bonds that you never thought were possible. ... and in those times, you just may learn things about yourself, and about the other person.

Sure, we all have people float in and out of our busy lives... it may even, at times feel like a revolving door of people in and out of your life...

But true and wonderful friends are rare and amazing to find, and like any living thing.. need care, love and patience to maintain.

In the end though, it's 100% worth it.

I've said it before...

..and i will say it again.
Western Culture drives me MENTAL.

Seriously, I can barely stand it.

Bigger cars, bigger houses, bigger dinner plates... for our bigger meals, to fill our bigger stomachs, while we watch our bigger asses grow. Gah.

Coffee aka Americano-double-shot-espresso-venti-whipped-cream-goodness? Sure, do you want that in large, larger, or gallon size? For here? Or should we just strap wheels on it, and you can pulley it around all day?

Then you climb into your tank of a vehicle, go to your dead-end-life-sucking job in your tiny cubicle, so you can make some corporation millions of dollars a year, while you make $3-$10 over minimum wage, so you can buy more stuff, to pack into your giant house and car.

After an exhausting day of that drivel you make your way home, eat a giant meal, and sit in front of that mind-numbing box some people pass off as entertainment.

Then you save up from your miserable job, to go someplace sunny for 1 week.. and sit there like a lifeless lump... muttering about how "this is the life!"

Excuse me? WHAT??!!

There is something inherently wrong with this picture!

Yes, yes I do realize not EVERYONE is like this... but there are enough people out there, that can probably relate.

...and although I might sound bitter.. I'm really not.

I do have hope...and I do have faith.

...and no, i'm not having a 'the grass is greener' type of notion that other countries don't experience this... I'm sure there are little cities and suburbs in all countries that have the same trend... or worse.. aspire to this 'dream'.

Yes, I like the term dream.... Dreaming suggests that you are asleep.
It offers the notion of not being fully aware, and perhaps even sleeping walking in a dream like state.

Who hasn't felt like they are on auto-pilot and in a daze during their morning routine?

What I do hope for though, is that one day we are shaken to our very core, and wake the hell up.
Unleash ourselves from these shackles of greed, and lust for more more more.

Losing weight, or getting those new shoes, really won't fill the void, and if someone likes you more due to this, well.... perhaps they aren't the type of folks you want as company.

For years, I was a late 20-something gal, that felt almost embarrassed that I STILL didn't know what I wanted to do when i grew up...

Well, I'm in my early 30's now, and frankly I'm probably no closer to figuring it out... but at least I do know what I will not stand for, and what I don't want my life to settle into...

...and honestly... I feel like that's at least a step in the proper direction.

32 years and counting... thank god change is constant

Lately things about my past have come to the surface...

May it be... a discussion about my previous work experience in fashion and special events with a co-worker..

Or perhaps clarifying rumours with an old elementary school friend....

Whatever the topics may have been... there seems to be a focus of discussion on catching up with old friends, or perhaps introducing myself to new people.

The thing that struck me after each of these conversations was always the same...

Thank God change is constant, and who I was even 3 years ago, is LIGHT YEARS away of who I am today.

I have often stated that I have lived a life of no regrets.. and honestly, I do stand by that statement.

The things I have done, experienced, and gone through have made me the person I am today... and perhaps I didn't obtain fame, that I so desperately coveted in my early 20's... but I can wake up every morning, and look in the mirror and be ok with the person looking back at me.

One of the things that jumped out at me during meditation this time around, was change.. and the people we know... sometimes we automatically have a thought in our head about a person... maybe its good, maybe its bad... this could be due to something that was said about this person, something the person directly did... etc..

What they stressed in meditation was... this is still not a true test or measure of who that person really is... good people can do bad things, bad people can sometimes show random acts of kindness... but who we really are is something that constantly changes from moment to moment.

So the task I have set for myself is this... try to think outside of how I feel about a person depending on my thoughts surrounding them... and experience them for the first time (fresh eyes if you will) each time I come into contact with them.

This may conjure up feelings of... why do I consider this person a close friend really... or why again was it that I think this person wasn't great?

Lately I have surprised myself with who I am reconnecting with in my life... and who I have lost touch with due to a busy life on both ends....

Either way... I'm more comfortable with the ebb n flow of life these days.. and am truly grateful that 'this too shall pass'

Practice makes perfect?

Writing, writing writing..
Its interesting, as whenever i set a goal for myself... i find i don't have much to say.
This is quite honestly, my ...oh i dunno.. 5th, 6th, blog.
But some blogs, journals, etc aren't meant for mass consumption.. at least not until i'm dead and gone anyway.

Yeah, i know it's stunning to think that I don't have much to say.. but the point of this blog, is to practice practice practice writing.

So here we go.