If he was in your life, you wouldn't like him very much

Lately, I've been having a lot of conversations about existential crisis, state of ennui, and really, what the heck does it all mean?

More and more people around me seem to be grasping at their place in the world, and even if they have a career, the successful relationship, they are still trying to figure out where they belong, or what they are doing in this world.

A friend asked me today if I've ever seen the movie Fear and Loathing.

I confirmed I had, and we began a brief discussion about Hunter S. Thompson.

I quickly did a search for him, to see what I could find out about him, since I realized my knowledge of the man was lacking.

I posed the question to my friend: "can you imagine having this as part of your biography?"

"He was also known for his use of psychedelics, alcohol, firearms, and his iconoclastic contempt for authoritarianism."

The aforementioned was taken from Wikipedia re: Hunter S. Thompson.

Now, let's think about this.

Here we have a movie - Fear and Loathing - people love this movie -
People loved Hunter S. Thompson - they love reading about him, they love watching movies about him - but the reality is - if you had a friend like this in your life, you probably would be less than impressed with their actions.


...I kept this entry as a draft until today... the first draft was in May...
I'm finally coming back to it in the last week of July..

It feels fitting, as I was watching a bunch of P!nk videos today, and felt the same sort of feelings towards her... she's sexy, amazing - doesn't appear to give a shit what you think of her.

Sometimes I long for this state of mind. Other times, I feel its the exact opposite of what I'm striving for... in that... I do care what impact I make on the world. I want to create a better space for others. I want to tread lighter, do less harm, and not offend others. Sure, you can't please everyone... that's not my intention... but I do want to move more peacefully on this planet. Perhaps that might sound a little euphoric and Utopian... but I like to think of it as more centered and zen.

I try to think about my actions before I do something now. I try to be more thoughtful in my actions, and learn from my mistakes... I want deeper connections with the people that matter, and of course, I want to see the world with that one person by my side eventually, in wide-eyed wonder.

I really don't care about a shiny car, a big house, a white-picket fence, mortgages, how many sq ft' of land I can acquire, or how many labels hang in my wardrobe. What gets me dreaming, is... how many stamps I can cram into my passport, how many km will the wheels on my suitcase clock, and how many times will the shutter on my camera snap?

How many different languages will these two ears hear? How many different ways will I learn how to say "I love you" so I when I have that special person by my side... I can whisper it into her ear, in many different languages...

My Mom always asked me "What are you running from?" ... Well, for the first time, I can honestly say, I can answer her.

"I'm not running. I'm exploring a world of possibilities, and wonder".
After all.

All that wander are not lost.

Restless, Listless, full of ennui... and on turning 33

I was told recently that I should be happy that I was going through a state of existential crisis. After all, this person pointed out, this is a state of the privileged, as you really don't hear people in Rwanda having these moments do you?
No, no you don't. They are too busy worry about the oh too real shit. Survival.

This quickly put things in perspective for me, and I felt suddenly selfish and small, and like my worries were trivial once again.

This is also a glaring point one for my wanderlust yet again. It helps me keep myself in check most days.

I have found myself with an abundance of free time, which most would find refreshing, and generally I do find it so. However, this free time, is also a time of recovery for me health-wise, so its not a vacation. Far from.

I turn 33 tomorrow. Age is just a number they say. Well, to a point I suppose that is true. Yet, I do believe there should come some wisdom, and some lessons with that number. So with another year, I do have to admit, I do often reflect back on the previous year and think back to where I was my last birthday, and where I am today.

Things have definitely changed for me in that 365 days since I turned 32, this much is true. I have learned quite a bit, at least I can walk away with the knowledge that I didn't squander the last year in a haze or fog. I feel closer to my goals in life, and have worked harder on becoming the person I want to be, and where I want to go in life.

I'm no longer confused on who that person looks like either. Which if you know me at all, you know this has been a life-long struggle in defining who I am, and where I want to be. I suppose that's no different for any of us really, but I never really claimed to be that different than most.

My biggest accomplishment, as a woman, is... I can finally look into the mirror, and smile at the person staring back. I am at peace with her. She's ok. She's not perfect, but who the hell is? But you know what? I *like* her imperfections. They make her real. They make her a work in progress. They make her strive everyday to be a better person.

I read a quote from Ani Difranco recently that really struck a chord with me somewhere so deep, that it's almost my new mantra: "I don't need anyone to hold me, I can hold my own."

I love it.

So with that, I work through my existential crisis, and feelings of 'oh what does it all mean?" "Am I really good enough?" "Should I even try to write anymore" - and say - oh screw it, just keep on going.

As I get older, I surely don't have anymore answers, just more questions - but as I said before - I'm tired of running and worrying about pretty -
why worry about pretty when everyone else is worrying about it for me?