Love this quote..

Karma.. It's not about punishment. It's a wake up call to show the flow of life, and how ones choices effect others.

Read this today... and really resonated with it.

Far too many times, I hear people quote karma, and anxiously await someone who has done them wrong, and quote: "Oh, it's ok, karma will get them"... like karma is this evil revenge waiting to kick some spiritual ass... really give it to some poor unknowing sap, who has done someone, somewhere, wrong.

Wake up people... Nobody is perfect. Haven't you done someone wrong?? I know I have sadly... do I regret this? Well... regret... no. Do i feel extremely bad? Yes. Yes I do. But... I have learned valuable lessons... and sure, I have had my share of "karma" to deal with in my life.

But here's the thing... good and bad stuff happens in life... it's the way it goes.. no one is being singled out... and being struck down, in a fury of rage and hate, being punished for all their sins... well... at least I don't believe they are...

We're all bumping along together... trying to figure this out... living our lives... for the most part.. wanting to be happy, healthy... feeling loved, respected, and valued.

... and yeah, it feels shitty when you've been hurt, pissed on, or pissed off by someone... it does... truly... but is wishing them harm, or plotting evil karma on them helping or making things better? I don't believe it is. In fact, I believe its doing you an injustice, by perpetuating that negative energy.

Ok, I'm not saying we all live this la la land of happy-go-lucky YAY... zenned out bliss... there is balance in the world for good reason... but sometimes, learning to turn the other cheek, or letting things go is far healthier, and easier for the soul.

Bringing in positive energy helps balance your being...

Think whatever has been done is faaaaaaar too big to let go? Kick a pillow? Let that energy out somehow... paint, run, sculpt... god, i loved pounding the air bubbles out of clay when i was pissed off!!
There are far more constructive/creative ways to release energy than stewing in/ or plotting someone's karmic revenge...

We're all in this thing together... learning lessons.. at our own pace... some of us are new... just beginners... so is it really our fault if we make these mistakes?

Sometimes we have to learn the lessons before we can get to the next level...

I'm not saying it's not frustrating... indeed it can be!
...but anything worthwhile, is worth the effort.

Breathe... it's gonna be ok

Sometimes I get ahead of myself in my thinking...
Ok, I'm not special... I realize this.

I get myself all balled up though... I panic. I think about things like.. Wow, I've been off work from this accident for an awfully long time - these tests, and specialists sure are taking their time! Why does this have to be SUCH a process?!

Then my brain kicks into turbo mode, and it's off into panic highway...

What am I doing? Why is this taking so long?! How much longer will this take? What about when I want to get back into the work force? How will that look? What about my career? What about my bigger goals in life?

...and this inner monologue can continue to spiral for hours if I truly let it.

However, thankfully - by some small miracle... I don't.

There's a new tiny voice inside my head that whispers - breaaaaaaaaaaaathe.

It gently reminds me - It's gonna be ok...Things are happening for a reason.

I'm not entirely sure where this tiny voice came from, or even, how it's able to, for such a tiny voice, quiet down the rest of the mindless chatter that clings to panic highway so dearly... But... thankfully - the tiny voice prevails, and all the monkey chatter subsides, and the tiny ninja voice bows, and goes back to keeping harmony.

That's not to say, that this little voice doesn't have its work cut out for it... Oh... mama... it does...

I mean, i'd prefer to not have panic highway happen in my mind at all...

I'd prefer if tiny ninja voice didn't have to regularly kick some major ass, and just rule the roost generally...

...but for now... I'm grateful that it's at least there...picking up the pieces.

Going back to basics

I have two books I have affectionately termed: "My bibles"

I call them such for good reason - I pretty much read them and follow them like most follow and read a bible. Religiously.

I read them over, mull over their lessons, meditate on what it has to teach me, reference them, cross reference them, pull them out during certain times in my life, etc -- I'm sure you get the idea.

Be it happy, angry, sad, whatever - these two books have seen me through.

So... As per usual... I am again, going through one of the books -

Currently I'm wading through the second book - I'm on Life Lesson #6 - A snippet - " Thoughts work like magnets. You attract what you think. Hence: Synchronicity exists. Nothing is random."

"Infinite Intelligence... what Einstein believed to be a humongous invisible thought ocean where all the answer you've ever tried to look for can be found."

Fantastic thought isn't it?

I need to remind myself lately, things are happening here for a reason - perhaps stepping back and understanding there is a larger picture at work here - it's not about the day to day things always - but a more larger scale project - lump of my entire life going on ... not just - here in this moment - sure it's the only thing we do have - however, if I create a more peaceful moment - with positive thoughts and outlook - perhaps the future will start to shape up in a more positive light.

The great thing is this - when I think about my future lately - I have the biggest urge to smile - I feel like I'm closer to more positive actions - more positive people in my life -

Sure it's a slower process than I imagined - Sure I didn't think I'd be in the city I am now for this long ... however - clearly I am for a reason --- clearly i still need to learn something - so I need to utilize my time as best I can - understand the messages, and not sit and think "Gee, this sucks that I'm stuck here" ...

Nope.

Instead I need to realize - "Hey, I'm here obviously to learn something... ok Universe... I'm listening... "

Perhaps the lesson won't fully be clear until after I go.. whenever that day is...
That's ok... for now, I'll just sit with myself and learn how to be a better me one day at a time.

Spinning Plates

There are many things I have found interesting while not working/ recovering from my accident - One of the biggest things though, is sometimes I find myself busier than when I was employed.

Now that I'm feeling a bit better/more human, I have projects on the go, doctor's appointments, groceries, cleaning, walking my dog, exercise, physiotherapy, laundry, taking time for my friends... I mean... I have been lucky... I am doing things quite balanced these days... or well I try to...

Ok, I do have days where I do chat to my friends on msn/skype perhaps too long - while my breakfast dishes get piled into my dinner dishes, and my laundry stays in the dryer until the next day --- I am human after all.

One thing that has shocked me with my free time - is the lack of desire to finish my book. This seems like it would be the perfect time. What is stopping me? Why can't I bring myself to look at the damn thing? It really conjures up strong feelings inside of me. I look at the first draft, and just get almost angry when I think about sitting down to edit it.

I will take photographs, play with Adobe, have meetings regarding other projects, teach myself to play chess again, hell, even start new projects - but my book still sits out - taunting me.

I have kept it visible - and refuse to tuck it out of sight - again, I'm not sure why - I feel like there's a mini war going on inside my head about this damn book -
"Do it. No. Do it. NO! Why? I don't know. That's dumb. I know". *sigh*

Ever feel like you could compare your life to spinning plates?
Like... you get one going... then one falls off the pole... then you pick that one up, get it going, and another plate slows down...and you are just running back and forth, trying to get them all spinning... Madness.

Big gay rainbow in the sky... literally

Earlier this week a good friend/ex g/f of sorts.. passed away...
She was 31.

All week I have been reeling from this news... It's like everything suddenly stopped and was in slow motion... nothing made sense. How could this be?!

Today I rented a car, so I can make the trip to her wake & funeral in the upcoming days ahead... Since I felt the next two days are going to be quite heavy and sombre, I decided to dedicate my day to driving around, spending time with friends, and finding things that made me smile - even if for a moment.

I touched base with a friend from elementary school.. a friend who, I know has also had her share of major loss recently (both her best friend and her father have recently passed) - so, she seemed like the perfect person, to have by my side, as we could both use some lighter days.

This trip was also a sort of dry-run at driving to Toronto - as I haven't really driven since all my health/concussion/seizure/issues.

On our way back home, a giant bright shiny rainbow glimmered in the sky... I pointed it out, and said.. 'there's a big gay in the sky' .. and smiled warmly as I thought about my friend...

Then, without thinking I said "Hi Lizzy" .. and kissed my hand and reached up towards the sky..

As we approached the Burlington Skyway it began to rain quite a bit, yet it was still bright - and the oddest thing happened... There in front of the car... was the rainbow.. I motioned to my friend, and said "Look, it's almost as if it's guiding us" .. and then without thinking said: "Guide us home Lizzy!"

The rainbow kept up the entire skyway, yet as we came off the bridge, it faded, and the rain really began to pour down. At one point, I could barely see in front of us...

Again, before I knew it I said "Hey, Lizzy, do you think you could ease up on the rain though please?" ... and so help me.. 1-2 minutes later.. The rain completely stopped. As in - nothing. No sprinkles, no spitting. Nothing.

My friend and I just sat there in silence for a moment.. till finally I managed to articulate my thoughts - "ummm... did that just happen???"

My friend nodded, and said "you know.. if I hadn't of been sitting here, I wouldn't have believed it myself..."

Perhaps this was all just a series of really odd coincidences.

Perhaps...

Whatever it was.. it gave me goosebumps... and a little bit of peace about a dear friend/lover... she will be missed dearly.. but never forgotten... nor will that moment on the Skyway.

If he was in your life, you wouldn't like him very much

Lately, I've been having a lot of conversations about existential crisis, state of ennui, and really, what the heck does it all mean?

More and more people around me seem to be grasping at their place in the world, and even if they have a career, the successful relationship, they are still trying to figure out where they belong, or what they are doing in this world.

A friend asked me today if I've ever seen the movie Fear and Loathing.

I confirmed I had, and we began a brief discussion about Hunter S. Thompson.

I quickly did a search for him, to see what I could find out about him, since I realized my knowledge of the man was lacking.

I posed the question to my friend: "can you imagine having this as part of your biography?"

"He was also known for his use of psychedelics, alcohol, firearms, and his iconoclastic contempt for authoritarianism."

The aforementioned was taken from Wikipedia re: Hunter S. Thompson.

Now, let's think about this.

Here we have a movie - Fear and Loathing - people love this movie -
People loved Hunter S. Thompson - they love reading about him, they love watching movies about him - but the reality is - if you had a friend like this in your life, you probably would be less than impressed with their actions.


...I kept this entry as a draft until today... the first draft was in May...
I'm finally coming back to it in the last week of July..

It feels fitting, as I was watching a bunch of P!nk videos today, and felt the same sort of feelings towards her... she's sexy, amazing - doesn't appear to give a shit what you think of her.

Sometimes I long for this state of mind. Other times, I feel its the exact opposite of what I'm striving for... in that... I do care what impact I make on the world. I want to create a better space for others. I want to tread lighter, do less harm, and not offend others. Sure, you can't please everyone... that's not my intention... but I do want to move more peacefully on this planet. Perhaps that might sound a little euphoric and Utopian... but I like to think of it as more centered and zen.

I try to think about my actions before I do something now. I try to be more thoughtful in my actions, and learn from my mistakes... I want deeper connections with the people that matter, and of course, I want to see the world with that one person by my side eventually, in wide-eyed wonder.

I really don't care about a shiny car, a big house, a white-picket fence, mortgages, how many sq ft' of land I can acquire, or how many labels hang in my wardrobe. What gets me dreaming, is... how many stamps I can cram into my passport, how many km will the wheels on my suitcase clock, and how many times will the shutter on my camera snap?

How many different languages will these two ears hear? How many different ways will I learn how to say "I love you" so I when I have that special person by my side... I can whisper it into her ear, in many different languages...

My Mom always asked me "What are you running from?" ... Well, for the first time, I can honestly say, I can answer her.

"I'm not running. I'm exploring a world of possibilities, and wonder".
After all.

All that wander are not lost.

Restless, Listless, full of ennui... and on turning 33

I was told recently that I should be happy that I was going through a state of existential crisis. After all, this person pointed out, this is a state of the privileged, as you really don't hear people in Rwanda having these moments do you?
No, no you don't. They are too busy worry about the oh too real shit. Survival.

This quickly put things in perspective for me, and I felt suddenly selfish and small, and like my worries were trivial once again.

This is also a glaring point one for my wanderlust yet again. It helps me keep myself in check most days.

I have found myself with an abundance of free time, which most would find refreshing, and generally I do find it so. However, this free time, is also a time of recovery for me health-wise, so its not a vacation. Far from.

I turn 33 tomorrow. Age is just a number they say. Well, to a point I suppose that is true. Yet, I do believe there should come some wisdom, and some lessons with that number. So with another year, I do have to admit, I do often reflect back on the previous year and think back to where I was my last birthday, and where I am today.

Things have definitely changed for me in that 365 days since I turned 32, this much is true. I have learned quite a bit, at least I can walk away with the knowledge that I didn't squander the last year in a haze or fog. I feel closer to my goals in life, and have worked harder on becoming the person I want to be, and where I want to go in life.

I'm no longer confused on who that person looks like either. Which if you know me at all, you know this has been a life-long struggle in defining who I am, and where I want to be. I suppose that's no different for any of us really, but I never really claimed to be that different than most.

My biggest accomplishment, as a woman, is... I can finally look into the mirror, and smile at the person staring back. I am at peace with her. She's ok. She's not perfect, but who the hell is? But you know what? I *like* her imperfections. They make her real. They make her a work in progress. They make her strive everyday to be a better person.

I read a quote from Ani Difranco recently that really struck a chord with me somewhere so deep, that it's almost my new mantra: "I don't need anyone to hold me, I can hold my own."

I love it.

So with that, I work through my existential crisis, and feelings of 'oh what does it all mean?" "Am I really good enough?" "Should I even try to write anymore" - and say - oh screw it, just keep on going.

As I get older, I surely don't have anymore answers, just more questions - but as I said before - I'm tired of running and worrying about pretty -
why worry about pretty when everyone else is worrying about it for me?

Picking the ball back up

After dropping the proverbial ball on my writing, and well, let's face it, most of my life as I knew it. I have come full circle, and am yet again back to writing about well, anything really. As most of you know, travel is my raison d'etre. So i will no doubt feed your eyes with tales of my past experiences or my new fun finds of future plans of the great wide world I plan to explore.

Also..I have just purchased a laptop - this will be acting as a recovery tool of sorts - as we believe I have Post-Concussion Syndrome - which symptoms include - Cognitive - short term memory (S.T.M.) problems, impaired concentration and attention span, periods of confusion and cognitive slowing (learning problems). --- Which translates into -- My reading, memory and spelling have been atrocious. So, with any luck - this will assist in the recovery of this.

So... back to travel....I need to set your mind at ease here dear reader, I'm not going to try and mimic Lonely Planet, I mean, those publications are there for a reason. They are successful in their own right, for good reason. So I won't pass on great fare deals, or wonderful little hot spots of *the* place to eat down some alleyway gem restaurant in Asia.
Ok, i might share just how amazing the food was, but more out of interest sake...

Something that really peaked my interest recently and I'm going to start doing some research on - is the top 5 Avant Garde travel tours. Stay tuned for that one kids.