Saturday, May 15, 2010

Restless, Listless, full of ennui... and on turning 33

I was told recently that I should be happy that I was going through a state of existential crisis. After all, this person pointed out, this is a state of the privileged, as you really don't hear people in Rwanda having these moments do you?
No, no you don't. They are too busy worry about the oh too real shit. Survival.

This quickly put things in perspective for me, and I felt suddenly selfish and small, and like my worries were trivial once again.

This is also a glaring point one for my wanderlust yet again. It helps me keep myself in check most days.

I have found myself with an abundance of free time, which most would find refreshing, and generally I do find it so. However, this free time, is also a time of recovery for me health-wise, so its not a vacation. Far from.

I turn 33 tomorrow. Age is just a number they say. Well, to a point I suppose that is true. Yet, I do believe there should come some wisdom, and some lessons with that number. So with another year, I do have to admit, I do often reflect back on the previous year and think back to where I was my last birthday, and where I am today.

Things have definitely changed for me in that 365 days since I turned 32, this much is true. I have learned quite a bit, at least I can walk away with the knowledge that I didn't squander the last year in a haze or fog. I feel closer to my goals in life, and have worked harder on becoming the person I want to be, and where I want to go in life.

I'm no longer confused on who that person looks like either. Which if you know me at all, you know this has been a life-long struggle in defining who I am, and where I want to be. I suppose that's no different for any of us really, but I never really claimed to be that different than most.

My biggest accomplishment, as a woman, is... I can finally look into the mirror, and smile at the person staring back. I am at peace with her. She's ok. She's not perfect, but who the hell is? But you know what? I *like* her imperfections. They make her real. They make her a work in progress. They make her strive everyday to be a better person.

I read a quote from Ani Difranco recently that really struck a chord with me somewhere so deep, that it's almost my new mantra: "I don't need anyone to hold me, I can hold my own."

I love it.

So with that, I work through my existential crisis, and feelings of 'oh what does it all mean?" "Am I really good enough?" "Should I even try to write anymore" - and say - oh screw it, just keep on going.

As I get older, I surely don't have anymore answers, just more questions - but as I said before - I'm tired of running and worrying about pretty -
why worry about pretty when everyone else is worrying about it for me?

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